Unborn, The (2009)

The Unborn is one of the more challenging moviegoing experiences I have had in my less than a decade as a film critic. It's not the films content that was challenging, the content is far too goofball to be challenging. No, the challenge was trying to keep a straight face as the desperate, sad cast made their paces through this slog of utterly ludicrous horror cliches.

Odette Yustman, one of the last people killed in J.J Abrams 2008 hit Cloverfield, stars in The Unborn as Casey, a pretty but bland teenager haunted by visions of a ghostly child. One night, as she is babysitting for a neighbor, the little boy she is watching bashes her over the head with a small mirror and tells her that Jumby (Yes, that isn't a typo, JUMBY) wants to be born now.

Jumby was the nickname that mom and dad gave to the twin who died in the womb next to Casey when she was born. Casey was unaware that she was supposed to be a twin and while that could be intriguing or dramatic, I was left wondering what Casey's embarrassing nickname was? Bumby? Tumby?

Casey comes to find that her grandmother had a twin brother who died at Auschwitz, oh yes they drag the holocaust into this goofy plot. That twin died and was replaced by an evil spirit, a Dybbuk, a Jewish legend about an evil spirit. Granny killed her brother after his possession and the spirit has haunted her ever since.
Now, the evil spirit wants Casey and she pins her hopes on an exorcism to save her.

Gary Oldman plays a skeptical Rabbi who takes up the exorcism after he is visited by Spuds McKenzie, the former beer spokesman, only his head is upside down and he's lost that ridiculous hawaiian shirt.

The Rabbi calls on a priest friend played by Idris Elba for help and several cannon fodder volunteers who will helpfully die on command once the spirit is unleashed. We know their DOA at the exorcism because they don't even get names, they may as well have victim 1, victim 2 and so on, written on nametags.

Cam Gigandet, an actor who betrays fratboy oafishness with his every douchebag mannerism in both Never Back Down and Twilight brings that same malevolent maleness to the good guy role of Casey's boyfriend who may as well line up as potential victim number 4.

The Unborn was written and directed by David S. Goyer who wrote the script for the first 2 awesome Blade movies and then directed the abysmal 3rd one. He co-wroter script of The Dark Knight. Can you see the pattern? Maybe Mr. Goyer should stick with the pen and leave the directing to someone else?
Then again, even the writing stinks in The Unborn.

Let me see if I follow this correctly: The evil spirit inhabits a neighbor child, a friend, an upside down headed dog, the priest and several others in the film but for reasons beyond explanation cannot get his hands on Casey.

Unwelcome logical question number 1: If the evil spirit can inhabit anyone it wants, why does he need Casey?

Number 2: If he gets her, what does he do then? The movie doesn't seem to know why, so maybe I shouldn't bother asking.

I realize these questions are entirely unwelcome, especially in a movie where the director is more interested in his choice of creepy looking bug -potato bug instead of the traditional cockroach, for those of you scoring your horror cliches at home- than in actually crafting an engaging horror thriller.

Watching the movie, it was a chore to keep from bursting out into gales of laughter at the ill logic, at the terrifically awful staging and most unfortunately at the performance of Ms. Yustman who amounts to little more than a pout and a hair style.

Final

The Unborn is a movie that the folks at the sadly defunct Mystery Science Theater would have loved. It has that perfunctory B-list star, the slumming Gary Oldman, and the overall air of attempted atmosphere and self seriousness that Crow T. Robot and company so successfully took the air out of.
The Unborn will make you long for The Crawling Eye or This Island Earth with its awfulness. By the way, I'm told that members of MST3K have new incarnations of the MST brand online. Maybe someone can sneak them a copy of The Unborn. One can only wish.