Longest Yard, The (2005)

Oh man, I love cheeseburgers. Do you love cheeseburgers? If you don't, I'm sure you have some guilty pleasure in terms of food: maybe popcorn, possibly pizza, perhaps hot dogs? All of these foods just taste so damn good, but there is next to nil nutritional value to them. When you're cruising around with your friends at midnight, starving, maybe you stop in at a Wendy's or a McDonald's and order a couple cheap burgers to satisfy your craving. It's a pleasurable experience, but don't expect to gain anything from the consumption or even remember it the next day. Such is the case with Peter Segal's remake The Longest Yard. For what it's worth, the film is always entertaining and you certainly could do a lot worse for a night at the movies, just don't expect to get anything else out of the film beyond the superficial and momentary satisfaction you have while viewing.

 

Smarts

40%

In The Longest Yard, Adam Sandler plays a grown man forced to go back and relive his school days. Wait, wrong Sandler flick. This is the one where he plays golf to save his grandmother's home-- no, that isn't it either… Oh! I know, this is the one where he plays the son of Satan and must go into Earth to save his father. Actually, I don't think that one is it either…

Have I forgotten the plot of an Adam Sandler movie? For shame…

But in all honesty, that's really about as forgettable as the film is. In this remake of the 1974 Burt Reynolds vehicle, Sandler plays a former NFL MVP Quarterback ejected from the league for shaving points off of a football game. Apparently fed up with the glitz and glam of his big breasted girlfriend Courtney Cox, he gets drunk and takes her Bentley out for a night on the town. After backing his vehicle into a police car, he begins a chase through the city ending in a fifteen car pile up. But don't worry, he doesn't spill his beer.

This typical Sandler stunt earns him three years in a Texas state penitentiary, lead by a slightly masochistic football fanatic. After countless beatings, Sandler agrees to head a football team made up of prison inmates to prepare the guards for the treacherous prison league season that lay before them. Thus the film is instilled with numerous gags and one liners during the training of Sandler's crew leading up to the inevitable showdown between the guards and the inmates. Yippee.

I can try to analyze the film from a critical perspective, but in all honesty, I think that would be in vain. The film doesn't set out to make any statements about the human condition, and it certainly doesn't have subtle hints about the director's view of spirituality, or lack thereof. As stated in my introduction, this is a film based purely on its entertainment value, the only thing I can really judge here are the expected plot holes and inconsistent ramblings of the film's co-stars.

 

Popcorn

60%

For what it's worth, The Longest Yard provides an entertaining 109 minutes at the movies. There is an ample amount of football action, and many of the jokes will bring a smile to your face. It's certainly funnier than last year's pathetic Dodgeball, though doesn't quite measure up to the hilarity brought forth by Adam McKay's Anchorman. In reality, moments of laugh out loud hilarity are few and far between, but only the most cynical of movie fans will have a grimace on their face throughout.

The actors do what they can to provide an enjoyable experience for the crowd. Keep an eye out for formal NFL Superstars Michael Irvin and Bill Romanowski as they attempt to bring some actual skill to the film. Bill Goldberg and Stone Cold Steve Austin, former wrestlers, also appear in the film, but strangely do not end up going against one another. Chris Rock is even more annoying and screechy than usual, but he's bearable, and the rest of the cast is fairly forgettable.

The film's jokes are probably going to be the most frustrating aspect of the film for some. To call The Longest Yard juvenile is quite the understatement. Though it isn't nearly as crude and vulgar as other Sandler films, this one has its fair share of sexual, homosexual, transgender, prison, racial, and of course, genitalia jokes. Sandler is suprisingly the most comedic aspect of the film. His frustrated, languid sarcasm provides a nice differentiation from the cliche stupidity brought forth by the other innate inmates.

I guess you could call the lack of laughs vexing, but in a sense, I don't think a barrel of laughs is what the film is attempting to achieve. It doesn't sell out in the end, and there is very little melodrama; a trait that is truly rare in films such as this. The film doesn't insult it's audience such as in the detestable Napoleon Dynamite, it just provides an entertaining two hours and nothing more. There really isn't much else to say about it.

 

Final

It's really hard to review a film like The Longest Yard because there's not a lot there to praise or even criticize. It's forgettable entertainment, thematic masturbation; it's not particularly bad, but it's really not that great either. Though it's certainly a lot more fun than most of what Hollywood puts out these days, it's personality and humor is still fairly insipid and Sandler-ian. Still, if there isn't anything else playing and you need to kill some time, you could do a lot worse than The Longest Yard.  But then, on the other side of that coin, I'm sure you could certainly do a lot better.